Noah
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INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.