Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
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Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here