Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
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Very good news from my accountant
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
her: I鈥檓 a cat person
me: I鈥檓 more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
It鈥檚 important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don鈥檛 go out
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long鈥檚 this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 馃槱馃槏馃槏馃槏
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I鈥檓 not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
Me: 馃幍 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 馃幍 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?