my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
You Might Also Like
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]