[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
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It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
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I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?