Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
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[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white