Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
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Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.