As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
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*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?