You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
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When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.