[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
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Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0