When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
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Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
Body by Oreos
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
No. YOU-buprofen.
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!