Hank is one in a melon.
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I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
Whoa 😂
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.