If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
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[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
Yup!
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
I don’t carry my wallet to work because I’m afraid someone will steal it while I’m sleeping.
Perfect.
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕