Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
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*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out