*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
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astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.