My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
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I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
I think about this a lot
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent