Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
You Might Also Like
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.