[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
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remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
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