Worst perfume name ever.
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I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
i wish we could shoplift online
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
I need a chiropractor for my brain.