17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
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Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.