I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
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“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
Is this the real life?
Is this just
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
Terribly Tuesday.
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.