diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
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I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
There is no try. There is only give up.
mom had nothing to worry about
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
*struts into the new year
~ trips
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”