One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
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The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
Candles never taste the way they smell
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
Can’t, holding a grudge
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?