Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
You Might Also Like
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.