Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
You Might Also Like
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*