A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
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18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.