I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
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I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
Me [camping]:
We’re out of wood, so I’m going to go chop some more after my hike.Me [at home]:
I would change the channel, but the remote is 2.7 millimeters out of reach.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?