Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
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got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
How does one answer this?
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week