Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
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ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication