#MeanwhileInCanada
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Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
Is fructose made with real fruct?
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
Damn he played himself
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?