Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
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[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.