We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
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I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
If I ignore life will it go away?
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.