[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
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Me: you mean like today?
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
I can’t stop watching this.
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.