A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
You Might Also Like
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
When I can’t barge, I careen.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
This guy’s not having it 😆
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
*doordash driver delivers four happy meals with chocolate milk and Disney princess toys*
“Looks like a fun night. How many kids do you have?”
Me: How many what now?
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15