“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
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My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.