Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
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Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow