[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
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I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real