her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
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“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”