The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
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The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
Respect
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
This could’ve been an email.
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”