Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
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[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.