Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
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I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered