Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
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Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
any last words?