Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
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Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me