It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
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I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.