parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
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Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
I am a gravy boat captain
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.