Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
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Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
The pasta is now
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
I need better friends
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.