Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
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To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
mumsnet is amazing
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too