Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
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T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.