You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
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Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do