Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
You Might Also Like
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.